I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
We need to get me chipped asap
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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