we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
