There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
