she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
