When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
