So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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