you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Randomize
