So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
