I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
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I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
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It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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