I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Randomize
