i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
