im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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