i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
