Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
