I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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