and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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