My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
