genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
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