I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
