"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I cut my penus on the lid.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
