I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
