I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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