He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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