Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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