listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
These 25 Irresponsible People Blew All Their Cash On Drugs, Booze, & Sex
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers