I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit