I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.