he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"