If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
