Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
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