I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
