So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
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