I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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