i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
