remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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