I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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