are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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