Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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