Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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