I woke up to her vacumming the grass
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
