At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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