Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
