i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Randomize
