I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
