I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I need moral support for this bender
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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