nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
