my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
