That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
