theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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