I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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