The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
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could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
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some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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