I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
