if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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