He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
