im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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