all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
