Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
this just has baby written all over it
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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