And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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