So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
