how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
