i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Randomize
