then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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